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THE REPLACEMENT KILLER

   So I was in this cab on my way home from the day's hustle late this evening. The atmosphere was quiet and calm. The tired faces seated in the vehicle I'm sure dreamt of nothing but shower, dinner and bed. Few minutes later, the bored driver punched on the power button of his stereo to probably find some good tunes to chill on, but reverse was the case. I doubted my ears' receptivity when I heard the shepherd of a supposed fold, dish out this as a prayer point.

POLY-GAMING

   A popular afro-musician was interviewed some days back, asked how many children he has fathered, his reply; I don't know. He did manage to remember that he is legally married to seven women whom he parades, like a butcher parades fresh meat. Its really none of my business how many children a pop artiste decides to father. What makes me so mad is the idea that these women all step out to be photographed like some cute antique, bought and showcased in a museum. Only this was not a museum show, it was a one man's house show.

DEAR MAMA

Dear mama,
                  I write this in tears of pain from the encaged walls of my premature grave. How quickly you seem to forget that black day you sneaked out of the safe hands of morality, dashed for the club, dressed in a bum-hugging crazy-tight mini-skirt looking for some love, dancing wild to the energetic rock & roll escaping from the speakers of the boom boxes. Inspiration sprung from the shots emptied down your throat, venom caged in enchanting glasses served from over the bar. High on rum and low on your senses, mama, you danced away sanity and flushed modesty down the drain.

STILL DOING THE IMPOSSIBLE

     It was like every other day, sunshine, shower, breakfast and the optimism of breakthrough gracing the day. NYSC recently ended, and the era of #19,800 gone for life. A fresh graduate who knows deep within, he didn't graduate with fulfilment. Second class upper with no elation from within. I'm not blooded for Agronomy, no doubt, so I didn't bother spending a dime for the convocation gown. Is this the paper I paused five years of my life for? Unbelievable!...well, that's a story for another day.

HOW WAS SERVICE?

   Its another beautiful sunday, different kind of attire, colour shades, height, complexion and body sizes proceed to fill the church auditorium. Celestial look on everyone's faces. For some, yesternight's gyration at the club is gone, its time to get serious with God or at least pretend to. While some have scores, brought before "The Invisible", to be settled, some others are gathered to escape the feeling of guilt that comes when Gabriel marks the attendance and finds them missing from church on a Sabbath.

WOMEN, NOBILITY & ANGER MANAGEMENT

   I like to think of myself as a perfect gentleman, and to some extent, I’m a gentleman, but perfect? Maybe not. I've not had any reason to question my own sweetness for a while now, but recently, I’ve come to see that women are my Achilles’ heel. In fact, I think women sometimes bring out the worst in me. I do not in any way have anything against them. I have my mom, a sister, aunts, cousins and female friends, all women, whom I love dearly. Then there's that one, you know, the only one (in some cases), its 'that one' who's usually the cause of trouble. This piece is actually for guys like me who have been having issues with 'that one'.

BEFORE YOU SAY HALF-BAKED GRADUATE !

    I used to visualise my lecturers as geniuses and demi-gods back then, marvelling at how someone writes a textbook so full of knowledge, until I searched "encarta" one fateful day, while trying to find solution to an assignment, and right there, I discovered that one of my course textbook was dubbed directly from there. Still, it claimed to be written by my lecturer who has bagged himself a doctorate degree. Some others manage to publish pamphlets with little content that can pass as the handwork of a nursery school pupil, and still sell them to us at ridiculous high prices. Buying them may not appear compulsory, but an invisible gun called "AR"(Awaiting Result), points at the head of every defaulter who refuse to purchase these absurd materials.

"Wonderful" By Sola Lawal & 1Sound

A song that helps you reach out to God in thanksgiving, when your lips cant seem to find the right words!

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SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS YOU SHOULD KNOW

Hilarious and insightful
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DIAMOND RING OR RUBBER BAND?

   Its another saturday when wedding bells ding. Decorated cars, church aisle and the wedding ring. Invited guests and well wishers troop in, even the jollof rice- searching, ultimate gate-crashers, grace the occassion with their black polyethylene bags well tucked in their pockets. The groom stares at the bride of his pride, begging God to cause his "exes" present to fall into deep sleep. The bride stares at her man in return, speaking to herself in deafening silence, "Dear God, silence his best man, let him say nothing till I have this ring". The priest steps forward and commence the "welding", ending the ritual with "You may kiss the bride again". Common folks, don't get mad at him, you've both savoured the flavour off each other's lips before this day.

FULL GOSPEL HIP-HOP By Pastor Harry !!!

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EVE'S DIARY

Popped into this dark world crying

As if fore-told of the trials coming

Only if she had sniffed its putrid rot

She could have made a U-turn

From the doctor's hands into mama's laps

Happily fondling mamma's bra strap

Sucking milk from her open tap

Please don't outgrow the age of diapers

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Ekondo Medley

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DEAR OUTLAW !

So I snapped out of my afternoon quick nap dream and wondered if dope was trickled down my throat

Little wonder I kept turning around and fighting my pillow, rolling in bed like someone fighting a tommy ache solo

How can I be dressed in the cops' black uniform, no bullet proof vest, chasing after some criminals who keep increasing in numbers, with a 1849 revolver colt in my hand loaded with blanks?

WHAT WE OWE OUR M.O.Gs !!!

   We find it easy to sit in the back and lash out at a "Man" of God while we shield our own unblown secret weaknesses and imperfections. Isn't it funny how easy it is for us to believe blood flows through our veins but assume something else flows through theirs? We easily forget the times they've stood by,with & for us, came to our defence & rescue once and again, prayed, sacrificed their time, health, money and rest, just to see us overcome that challenge. We barge into their offices, empty their annointing, strength, time and emotional bank while leaving them to go fill it up from wherever. We often engage their lines and expect encouragement every time without even remembering that they've got challenges too.

MY EVENING, MY NOLLYWOOD !

   Its been a while I watched a movie acted according to a script inspired by a true life story, so I decided to sit outside the office today and tune to the channel on the street around 6pm this evening. It only took few minutes before a short drama that has no title, no part, no season, no introduction and no cast started. 

   An okada man was angered by the way an 18 seater bus driver drove past him, almost running him into the side curb.

WHEN THE ATHEIST HAS A POINT

   Sometimes, "religion" get one confused on what the standards are and what they are not. There are times one feel like not giving a damn and just do his thing his own way, no laws, no rules, no regulations, no regret. The wickedness and hatred of some of these religious folks are sometimes worse than those of the so-called un-believers. The best option sometimes seem to be; yielding to temptation to do all the wrong one can, enjoy the best of pleasure on earth and just prepare for hell cause of what essence is being a priest when an un-believing Samaritan does the job real good? 

MY NEIGHBOUR, MY PAIN !!!

There's always that one neighbour

That nuisance..that pain in the butt

Who constantly murders everyone's peace of mind

Interesting folks of a unique brand !

Blasting deafening obituary tracks at kill point volume

Disturbing both the living asleep and the dead in the tombs

Exploding noise into your ears like time bomb

And your match box?...Always nowhere to be found

Have you ever shared a toilet with them?

Even the devil will scream off his head !

Splattered around is their evidence of malnutrition

Many a time you wish there's a penalty in the constitution

You walk home from under the scorching sun to take a nap

You're met by that boil in the crotch right at the entrance

Mouth dysentry that starves one of siesta

Ranting idle words ceaselessly around the compound

Have you ever arrived home to meet your stove smoking hot?

And your last litre of fuel mercilessly burnt

The birth of your afternoon indomie totally aborted

With the fury of anger you become impregnated

Need I remind you that 'they' don't confess?

They avoid your presence as they subscribe to silence

Same act 24 hours later by the same thorn in the flesh

At that point it becomes difficult to bless!

Have you ever realized you still miss them when they travel?

Those once upon a time pain become the evening giggle

Tolerance is what folks like them help you build

Hmmm...that pain in the butt who doesn't yield to rebuke !

They might be a symbol of pain 

Choose to love them all the same

You'll sit and reminisce one of these days

How they eventually became your gain

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LIFE'S SIMPLE ADDITION VERSUS CALCULUS

  As simple as this sounds in my ears, I've come to realise that the seemingly complex issues of life are solved by the unbelievable simple things. If something as uncomplicated as grace makes up for our weaknesses and sin, then I shouldn't be rebuked for refusing proposed solutions that appear more complex than the challenge I'm trying to solve. Its in light of this, I smile when ignoramus purchase and bury cows they can't afford, won't eat out of, and still carry calabash of solid pap and palm oil half-naked in the dead of night, to appease one god that can't even recite its own eulogy in exchange for promotion at their workplace. 

   Our women should stop falling prey to prophets with no conscience who bath and sleep with them after collecting large sum of money in order to help them solve their marital problems (double loss), when something as simple as seeking good character and integrity in men who live under God's covenant solves it.

   Marriage have been preached to the point where men have come to visualise it as a battle of its own, where only God has the sole responsibility of picking one's soul mate while our brain go to sleep. I believe He gave men brain to tackle mundane issues so we will give Him rest otherwise He would have match-made us in heaven and not engage us to find that woman with virtues or that wife He considers a good thing.

   Students who visit sorcerers to get "magic pen" have most often used those same pen to break their previous records in examination failure while their teachers draw their heads and noses on their scripts signifying the trophies won for their excellent failure, when something as easy as reading, extra study, confidence and discovering your academic strength and weakness does the trick.

    The irony of life is that people believe that solution to seemingly complex situation must be complex or big enough to subdue it, while the diligence required in working those simple things out, are easily neglected and left un-attended to. For instance, it is when marital issues have metamorphosed to the point of infidelity that spouses realise that something as incomplex as communication, care, understanding and listening, to mention a few have been ignored. It is these little and straightforward things that require diligence, commitment and effort in order to prevent the hassles of complexity.

   As complex as a car is, two or three simple pedals control its acceleration and deceleration. As simple as a remote control device is, it locks and unlocks the doors of that complex machine called car. In my own humble opinion, complexity births complications while simplicity solves them both, the choice is ours.

                                                

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WHEN GOD PLAYS DEAF AND DUMB

   I smile when a radical christian/person who believe that good works (living right/keeping the law) gives one the gut to storm heaven's door and scream at God, pointing accusing finger and demanding explanation for the "whys"? Why does God play deaf & dumb at poverty, death of love ones or so called financial failures & temptations, disappointments & rejections, enemies & wickedness, Aids & Ebola, etc. This un-expected disappointment is what some have used as excuse for turning their backs on Him and welcoming the devil with wide-open, outstretched hands.

    I see spark in some women's faces when they see that woman who had her womb removed due to promiscuity in her past life, give birth to triplets few years after joining a church while they, who kept their chastity from even the touch of urine have not had an issue for years unspeakable.

   Anger is visible on the men's faces as they look at that notorious, one-time bad boy who smokes more than a chimney in disgust as he smiles righteously and say 'I DO' to a God-fearing, beautiful, gorgeous and a wife material woman that even the devil desires as companion while they, the holy brothers (tongue-speaking, scripture-quoting, devil-chasing, fire-breathing, book-buying, church-going,sermon-listening, who have acquired degrees in theology more than a thermometer, and pray far more than a praying mantis) are yet to receive a "yes" from anything in skirt in their entire life !

   This has got me asking myself few question, Is God wicked or unjust? Is He a card carrying member of a party? Is He a racist? Is He gender friendly? I mean, from my little experience, its a positive NO ! As much as I'll love to be spared from this "God will have mercy on whom He'll have mercy....", cause if that's His verdict, then there's no point treading the path of salvation at all, it will also be important to remember that living in grace and trading in sin don't co-exist !

   Of all the many reasons that could be responsible, from the powerless witches in the village who live in stinking huts to the the devil, their father, a roaming lunatic who get more credit for things he hasn't done than those he has, one easily ignored reason might just be this. Do we actually "love" God or we are just playing at being "religious"?....No one resists the hand of love not even God for He is Love. Loving Him is the trick, the key that opens the door where our good works will never reach....are you in doubt? ask David !

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ONCE UPON A YOUTH SERVICE

The curtain's now drawn where it was once open

How we prayed for this day to come loading

Tracking the calendar dates seemed we were aging

Now from these four walls, the gates's been flung open

It all started eleven long months back

When we rode to town with our mind still dark

Asking ourselves which side our dice was gonna land

No influence, just fate and Igarra came in-bound

We both resumed duties like every other JJC

It didn't take long to decipher former legacies

Everyone came around to see the new faces

I doubt if I had in me any bit of ecstacy

We didn't get love from everyone of course

The office beefs and backbites could sweep one off-shore

Some just wanted to see the stuff we were made of

And sometimes, we've had to call off their bluffs

We had voice-mails activated to get their blackmails eradicated

Many attempts God foiled... all to get us implicated !

Achieving in months what they couldn't in years so to jealousy they resorted

They never for once realized they kept getting us elevated?

Suffice to say it wasn't a smooth sail

Waking 4am daily to a challenging workplace

Even the kids do stare at stress in the face

How they pray for holidays to come for their bail !

Sacrifices had to be made to impart the lives of these great ones

They hardly cooperated on the dawn of day one

But when they saw, for them, we had nothing but love

It was fulfilling to watch them grow like a new baby born

Humility and Service..the motto of the scheme

Maybe it was the strength behind what we did

Challenging as it was, we still signed the deal

Seated was a God factor behind everything

How can I forget those names so unique

God's-Gift, God's-speed, God's-Will, God's-Power

Godrica, Godiva, Annointing and God's-Wonder

I was hoping to meet someone named "God-Forbid"

Did I hear him just call himself Freeborn

I smiled as I wondered who came into the world Chain-born

From the shock I was still yet to recover

When two legs walked past named "Provider"

I remember their funny prayers on their way to school

"Thunder fire the yansh of any teacher that tries to fail us"

Lamenting about how they write 5pages and get only three marks

I laugh when they say I don't understand

I, as one, will truly miss these folks

The mystery of parenting they helped me unfold

Genuine love will break even a heart stone cold

Show them you truly care and they'll honour the honour code !

I once thought about tarrying here for a while

But my brother St Smart sharpened my insight

When you don't leave that location at the very right time,

You'll then be the delay behind your own flight !

It was an honour to have served along your side

Thanks for the lessons...I'm grateful for the insights

I'll do my best to keep them imbibed

Its no doubt we part ways for a better life

Some said its "Now Your Struggle Continue"

For me it was "National Youth Service Corp"

Now I'm to be obeyed by the so called "Clarion call"

Its ED/13A/0716 signing out the roll call

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SLOW DOWN, ITS VANITY !

Sometimes we just have to pause and chill

To slow down on life and be at ease

Decelerate on the throttle and park to think

Everything in life is vanity

Sometimes, all we do is chase the dream

We hurt anyone just to bloom

Success and happiness is the main deal

But everything in life is vanity

Only if we could walk to the cemetery

Or pay a sober visit to the mortuary

They are full of both the rich and lowly

Everything in life is vanity

I once went to a house to commemorate

My heart just slowed down on its beat rate

As I looked down at the corpse, I tried to relate

That everything in life is vanity

Should I join in the tears cause he took the exit?

Who really should be doing the sympathy?

The corpse or we he left in the struggle?

Everything in life is vanity

We dream about riches, houses and all the big cars

Wealth, mansions and all the great yatch

Drinks, women and all the party bash

Everything in life is vanity

I try to think of a "where" after death

Where there's no languish and no regret

Heaven is the only street I've learnt

Everything in life is vanity !!!

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TRIBUTE TO MOTHERHOOD

I guess it all starts after that memorable wrestling match  

A victorious athlete swims and hit the mark

Baby bump downloaded and morning sickness activated 

Every now and then Jet Li gives his taishi kicks

Nine long months is the journey to delivery

The process itself is another phobia to overcome

Nurses barking out instruction and calling you lazy ass

The doctor adjusts his glasses and extracts the kung fu master

Tears of joy stream down mama's face

Daddy smiles as he beholds the result of his penalty kick

The hospital chapter closes and everyone goes home

Little does mama know that the road end is just a bend

I imagine how fed up she gets when Bruce Lee cries for no reason

Two hours on the boobs and still screaming for more without ceasing

Mama's dry, she stares, ogbeni ! Don't you understand?

But it seems her ipod's connected to free stream from Jackie Chan's cry wi-fi

Cuddling and petting her jewel to quiet down and sleep all day

She gets repaid by endless wails when she tries resting at night

Its here I pass my kudos to all great mamas out there

How do you multi-task bee-keeping, sorry, motherhood, career and being a good house-wife?

How do you cope with pausing your career to concentrate on nursing?

How do you manage the stress of changing diapers everywhere?

How do you get over that insensitive husband who comes home, clamours for food and snore all through the night?

Daddy, if you're reading this, I never give person belle

Real practicals around a nursing mum has sharpened my insight

The baby becomes a lady and thinks mama's old school

Two miserable pimples on the chest and boil behind makes you think you've arrived

Becoming too big for some chores? Faraburukubale !and let momma walk you down memory lane

I once saw a lady slap her mum cause momma refused to spare the rod

Hmph!....Itakuta ni guruguru fii n ta kuro ninu agbada

Kobale kobale ni labalaba fii n re wo gbo

There's no need for Elijah to come tell her she's cursed

How do I know? Exodus 20:12 says that's a rape of honour !

Groom, be careful to know her well before you slip her that ring !

Else, the closed womb problem might be feigning enemy attack

You can't marry a man without a car, well that's your problem

Your dad was yet to cruise when he met the love of his life

Your mum recognised that C.E.O when he had just one shirt

Your career's prioritized over that unborn baby you wanna flush it down the toilet

Remember, you're alive to think it cause mama didn't do you same

She chose to let you live not because it was easy but despite the fact that it was hard

On behalf of all the men out there, I appreciate all mums for a great job welldone and today, I choose to give honour to whom honour's due

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LOVE, CHURCH & COMMON SENSE

Wickedness is when a church of handful members, sited within a residential area, starts a night vigil and drive away sleep from the entire neighbourhood with the aid of these miserable-looking, grey-coloured, hibiscus-shaped, high-pitched, treble-boosting, wickedly-designed speakers hung at the windows and doors of the church, when in reality, the public address system isn't needed. One could hear the choristers of not more than two, leading the church in chanting spiritual war songs while the beat that welcomes Sango to the war front plays in the background, after which everything got wrapped up with prayer points that give witches&wizards credit for what they are yet to achieve !....I live metres away and couldn't sleep all through the night. I can imagine the pain of that nursing mum living close by who had to dance for hours to get her baby to sleep, or that exhausted husband who had been out hustling all day only to be denied rest at night, or that sick fellow with migraine whom rock music was added to the already playing fuji beat in his head, or that irritated fellow whom noise was addeds to his mosquito troubles for the night, or that unloved/neglected wife who was still trying to deafen her ears to the irritation emanating from the mouth of her uncaring, snoring husband....How come we preach love and can't even use common sense to practice it?....I can't deny the fact that I wished a bomb would just blast nearby and send all of them packing for the night if that's what it'll take for me to get few hours of rest before daybreak cos approaching these folks would have only made them raise prayer points against one while being termed as the agent of hell that had come to hinder their prayers....I know many of us in the neighbourhood don't feel fresh starting this day....its frustrating mehn, it really is !..and its high time we love one another !

This article is copyrighted. Please do not reproduce in part or whole, in any form, without obtaining my written permission. Thank you.